I just remembered that I hadn’t posted this post from my last week in Thailand, enjoy……….ummmm I’m not sure that enjoy is the right word, but enjoy anyway.

WARNING: Read at your own risk, this is one of my very descriptive defecating stories. I call this genre of my writing, POOetry!

Good ol’ Murphy ‘s Law, you know the law that states if you drop your toast it will land butter side down.

I met Mr Murphy here in Thailand last week. It was 1am, I woke bolt upright to the familiar feeling: No, not ‘dam that was only a dream’, but the feeling ‘I’m going to shit myself’! I mean it’s a familiar travel feeling, you know the ol’ Delhi belly or Bali belly, in other words, I had the shits.

Anyway, I woke knowing that there was going to be an anal explosion and if I didn’t make it to the toilet then Mandy was going to get a spray on tan.

I made it to the toilet in the nick of time to fully enjoy that euphoric state that can only be reached when you have come close to shitting yourself but haven’t. My euphoria was short lived though, as my mouth didn’t like my bum getting all the attention, he wanted some time in the spotlight, which I suppose is only fair in this day and age of equal opportunities.

I needed to spew, and spew now. I was lucky enough that the “poonami” had stopped. I jumped off the bowl, spun around and assumed the unfamiliar position on my knees with the speed of a cracked-out ninja. To give me a pleasant spewing experience I hit the flush to rid the bowl of my previous night’s fried rice that now didn’t look or smell as appetising floating in the bowl. This in itself was enough to make anyone spew.

Now is the time in the story where Mr Murphy makes his appearance. Instead of the toilet flushing the foul water brown stench down the drain, it decided that it wouldn’t flush. Rather Mr Murphy filled the bowl right up to the rim, creating a “poocano” with a diarrhea crater lake. I suppose I should look on the bright side that the “poocano” didn’t overflow and send a cascading brown lava flow down the side.

My optimism was short lived as the “spewcano” exploded. If anyone has had the pleasure of hearing me spew it is not pleasant. It’s like I’m going for a grammy award, I sound like a wildebeest being slaughtered to death by a butter knife in a pool of lemon juice. Put it one way, I woke Jeff and Ji in the neighbouring room from a sleeping pill induced sleep.

So yeah, that’s it, I repeated this again throughout the night, and like any good student I learnt my lesson from my experiences and didn’t flush the toilet the second time.

To wrap this post up like a dirty nappy, Murphy’s law in Thailand states that, ‘if you have the shits at the same time as you need to spew, the toilet will not flush’. Amen.